小绝点评（一）
本帖最后由 八卦掌付 于 2015-9-15 16:25 编辑 <br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(51, 51, 51); font-family: Simsun; background-color: rgb(242, 242, 242);">没有去过无锡，通过小绝略有感受。</span><br style="color: rgb(51, 51, 51); font-family: Simsun; background-color: rgb(242, 242, 242);"><br style="color: rgb(51, 51, 51); font-family: Simsun; background-color: rgb(242, 242, 242);"><span style="color: rgb(51, 51, 51); font-family: Simsun; background-color: rgb(242, 242, 242);">先说改之前：</span><div><br style="color: rgb(51, 51, 51); font-family: Simsun; background-color: rgb(242, 242, 242);"><span style="color: rgb(51, 51, 51); font-family: Simsun; background-color: rgb(242, 242, 242);">天波浩渺戏瀛洲</span><br style="color: rgb(51, 51, 51); font-family: Simsun; background-color: rgb(242, 242, 242);"><span style="color: rgb(51, 51, 51); font-family: Simsun; background-color: rgb(242, 242, 242);">亭瘦山浮几笔勾</span><br style="color: rgb(51, 51, 51); font-family: Simsun; background-color: rgb(242, 242, 242);"><span style="color: rgb(51, 51, 51); font-family: Simsun; background-color: rgb(242, 242, 242);">一叶扁舟来自远</span><br style="color: rgb(51, 51, 51); font-family: Simsun; background-color: rgb(242, 242, 242);"><span style="color: rgb(51, 51, 51); font-family: Simsun; background-color: rgb(242, 242, 242);">横穿吴越跨春秋</span><div><br style="color: rgb(51, 51, 51); font-family: Simsun; background-color: rgb(242, 242, 242);"><span style="color: rgb(51, 51, 51); font-family: Simsun; background-color: rgb(242, 242, 242);">首先，浮、舟撞韵了，不妥。起句，天波浩渺戏瀛洲。此处韵味在于戏字，后面诗句当围绕戏字掌控，可惜这种况味没看到。承句，亭瘦山浮几笔勾，亭瘦山浮，倒装，颇有几分动感，几笔勾，勾的有趣，可惜与前面的戏字无关，或者，关系少。一叶扁舟来自远，有一点突兀，我认为转句应该张弓搭箭，此种效果较弱。结句，横穿吴越跨春秋，虽然用典，着力模糊，整首有一个最大的疑问就是，是谁横穿吴越跨春秋？结句乃是千钧一发，终于中的，这个的，应该令人眼前一亮，呵呵。</span><br style="color: rgb(51, 51, 51); font-family: Simsun; background-color: rgb(242, 242, 242);"><br style="color: rgb(51, 51, 51); font-family: Simsun; background-color: rgb(242, 242, 242);"><br style="color: rgb(51, 51, 51); font-family: Simsun; background-color: rgb(242, 242, 242);"><br style="color: rgb(51, 51, 51); font-family: Simsun; background-color: rgb(242, 242, 242);"><span style="color: rgb(51, 51, 51); font-family: Simsun; background-color: rgb(242, 242, 242);">再说改之后：</span><br style="color: rgb(51, 51, 51); font-family: Simsun; background-color: rgb(242, 242, 242);"><br style="color: rgb(51, 51, 51); font-family: Simsun; background-color: rgb(242, 242, 242);"><span style="color: rgb(51, 51, 51); font-family: Simsun; background-color: rgb(242, 242, 242);">亭瘦山浮云乱流，</span><br style="color: rgb(51, 51, 51); font-family: Simsun; background-color: rgb(242, 242, 242);"><span style="color: rgb(51, 51, 51); font-family: Simsun; background-color: rgb(242, 242, 242);">天边隐现一扁舟。</span><br style="color: rgb(51, 51, 51); font-family: Simsun; background-color: rgb(242, 242, 242);"><span style="color: rgb(51, 51, 51); font-family: Simsun; background-color: rgb(242, 242, 242);">髻鬟错认古西子，</span><br style="color: rgb(51, 51, 51); font-family: Simsun; background-color: rgb(242, 242, 242);"><span style="color: rgb(51, 51, 51); font-family: Simsun; background-color: rgb(242, 242, 242);">吴越横穿到此秋。</span><br style="color: rgb(51, 51, 51); font-family: Simsun; background-color: rgb(242, 242, 242);"><br style="color: rgb(51, 51, 51); font-family: Simsun; background-color: rgb(242, 242, 242);"><span style="color: rgb(51, 51, 51); font-family: Simsun; background-color: rgb(242, 242, 242);">依然撞韵了，整体解答了我前面提到的是谁横穿吴越跨春秋？改的好！但是总觉得少点什么？原来改之前有一个戏字，这种韵味，没有体现。</span><br style="color: rgb(51, 51, 51); font-family: Simsun; background-color: rgb(242, 242, 242);"><span style="color: rgb(51, 51, 51); font-family: Simsun; background-color: rgb(242, 242, 242);">以上浅见，不到之处，勿怪。</span><p></p></div></div>
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